I Bet The Ryan Family Never Had Insomnia

Those of you who suffer from insomnia might recognize this picture of infomercial celebrity Klee Irwin -- you know, the guy who wants to clean your colon? If you're awake in the middle of the night, then you know what I'm talking about. The rest of you narcoleptics have probably already nodded off by now, so I will just proceed with my sleep-deprived rant.

Lately, every night is the same…I fall asleep easily, but awake somewhere between 2am and 4am and simply cannot go back to sleep. My mind starts buzzing with all the things on my to-do list that I’ve yet to conquer.

If you’ve ever had a bout of stress-induced insomnia – or frankly if you’ve ever had a newborn baby – you know how little there is to watch on television during this timeslot. I’m embarrassed to say how many times I’ve seen Klee's infomercial about the Dual Action Cleanse. When I realized I had it memorized, I decided it was time to find something new to watch.

Apparently SOAP NET shows old, old re-runs of the 70s soap opera Ryan’s Hope. Perfect! I never watched the show when it originally aired but it’s a soap opera for heavens sake – how hard can it be to follow along?

After all, soap operas are meant to lift you out of your own humdrum worries, while you temporarily get caught-up in these ridiculous characters and their wildly exaggerated problems. Right?

So I tuned into Ryan’s Hope to see what bizarre scenarios and desperate crises had befallen the Ryan clan. Here’s what I found:

• Newlyweds Mary and Jack are struggling to find enough drawer space in their small apartment.

• Faith has finished her 'psychotherapy' and is so completely over her unrequited love for Pat, that she can counsel him for hours about his love life.

• The Ryans are against divorce so Frank and Delia have just decided to be separated in secret, but will continue to live as a family with Da and Ma above the restaurant.

• Jill has two handsome men in love with her. As far as I can tell they seem to drop by her apartment unannounced, and quite often at the same time. Lite-as-a-breeze she greets them in her kaftan and let’s them know she won’t be ‘controlled’. They agree.

• Frank’s campaign for Congress was almost derailed by one negative article. But luckily his brother-in-law is a journalist, so he just asked his fellow writer to cancel the story. That was the end of that.

• Closing credits reveal that all of their wardrobes are provided by BARNEY’S NEW YORK

Are you freakin’ kidding me? These are the problems that are supposed to make me feel less-stressed about my life? Screw this, I’m going back to E! News. I need Jamie Lynn pregnant at sixteen; I need Amy Winehouse with a crackpipe; I need Liza Manelli beating her freaky husband. These are the people that make me feel better about my life. Because up against these knuckleheads I'm practically Doris Day.

Que sera sera. Hopefully this insomnia will pass -- along with my odd addiction to Ryan’s Hope re-runs. But if not, I’ll be sure to fill you in on the drama with Mary’s childhood dresser. Da was worried it wouldn’t fit in her apartment and was adamant she should measure first. Jack was furious that she brought the dresser into the apartment without asking his permission.

It’s a cliffhanger…