Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I Bet The Ryan Family Never Had Insomnia

Those of you who suffer from insomnia might recognize this picture of infomercial celebrity Klee Irwin -- you know, the guy who wants to clean your colon? If you're awake in the middle of the night, then you know what I'm talking about. The rest of you narcoleptics have probably already nodded off by now, so I will just proceed with my sleep-deprived rant.

Lately, every night is the same…I fall asleep easily, but awake somewhere between 2am and 4am and simply cannot go back to sleep. My mind starts buzzing with all the things on my to-do list that I’ve yet to conquer.

If you’ve ever had a bout of stress-induced insomnia – or frankly if you’ve ever had a newborn baby – you know how little there is to watch on television during this timeslot. I’m embarrassed to say how many times I’ve seen Klee's infomercial about the Dual Action Cleanse. When I realized I had it memorized, I decided it was time to find something new to watch.

Apparently SOAP NET shows old, old re-runs of the 70s soap opera Ryan’s Hope. Perfect! I never watched the show when it originally aired but it’s a soap opera for heavens sake – how hard can it be to follow along?

After all, soap operas are meant to lift you out of your own humdrum worries, while you temporarily get caught-up in these ridiculous characters and their wildly exaggerated problems. Right?

So I tuned into Ryan’s Hope to see what bizarre scenarios and desperate crises had befallen the Ryan clan. Here’s what I found:

• Newlyweds Mary and Jack are struggling to find enough drawer space in their small apartment.

• Faith has finished her 'psychotherapy' and is so completely over her unrequited love for Pat, that she can counsel him for hours about his love life.

• The Ryans are against divorce so Frank and Delia have just decided to be separated in secret, but will continue to live as a family with Da and Ma above the restaurant.

• Jill has two handsome men in love with her. As far as I can tell they seem to drop by her apartment unannounced, and quite often at the same time. Lite-as-a-breeze she greets them in her kaftan and let’s them know she won’t be ‘controlled’. They agree.

• Frank’s campaign for Congress was almost derailed by one negative article. But luckily his brother-in-law is a journalist, so he just asked his fellow writer to cancel the story. That was the end of that.

• Closing credits reveal that all of their wardrobes are provided by BARNEY’S NEW YORK

Are you freakin’ kidding me? These are the problems that are supposed to make me feel less-stressed about my life? Screw this, I’m going back to E! News. I need Jamie Lynn pregnant at sixteen; I need Amy Winehouse with a crackpipe; I need Liza Manelli beating her freaky husband. These are the people that make me feel better about my life. Because up against these knuckleheads I'm practically Doris Day.

Que sera sera. Hopefully this insomnia will pass -- along with my odd addiction to Ryan’s Hope re-runs. But if not, I’ll be sure to fill you in on the drama with Mary’s childhood dresser. Da was worried it wouldn’t fit in her apartment and was adamant she should measure first. Jack was furious that she brought the dresser into the apartment without asking his permission.

It’s a cliffhanger…



19 comments:

Maria said...

I've never heard of Ryan's Hope. I used to survive the night on Infomercials [Set it and FORGET IT!].

Now, thank bejeebus for DVR.

Autumn said...

I don't know much about Ryan's Hope, but I do know a lick or two about insomnia! Whew momma. I keep a notepad by the bed and list out the to-do's or whatever's swirling in my head. Somehow putting it on paper makes me feel a little clearer.

Unless you like Ryan's Hope in the middle of the night - score!

Kimmylyn said...

I am laughing because I am ALWAYS up between 1-3.. but I flip my lap top on because I can't chance the kids hearing the TV..

I am on the edge of my seat though to see if the dresser fit..LOL

You my friend are too funny!!

Momo Fali said...

Oh no! Not the dresser episode! You need to be watching old reruns of General Hospital. Back in the good old days when the Cassadines were going to freeze the earth. The size of that dresser wouldn't matter much if everyone was frozen.

Mental P Mama said...

lol...I stopped watching SoapNet in the middle of the night. Now I watch Nickelodeon...The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or Roseanne are usually on. Then at 5, the local news comes on. Gah. Or, if I'm smart, I will have had a couple of Advil PM's before bed...

abrightfuture said...

I was awake the other night (I should have called you!) and the only 3 things on the tv that were NOT infomercials all had Chuck Norris in them. Ryan's Hope is sounding like a much better option. The dresser problem is quite a conundrum!

Karen said...

I think I have been watching the wrong stuff when I cannot sleep. I normally find a movie on one of the 65 HBO channels I have. I am going to check out Ryan's Hope.

Angie said...

So funny how times and circumstances, therefore, standards change. I love this post. I feel that way about kids shows. As I listen to my 4 year old watching Power Rangers right now, it is no wonder Karate Kid bores the pants off him.
KEEP BELIEVING

Rachel said...

All of those late night peeps scare the hell out of me!!
I have never watched Ryan's Hope :-)
If I'm up, I'm reading or blogging :-)

Pinky said...

Eeek, I guess I'm a druggie, I just turn to over-the-counter sleep aids if I have insomnia. I had a bout of it last summer when hubby lost his job. It did the trick alright! Only half a pill, too. Ewww, was that bad advice I just gave you? Hope not. :-)

Amy said...

Never seen the show, and now I know I don't ever want to! But yeah, informercials, ICK! Whenever I couldn't sleep I used to watch MTV, back when they actually had videos. Now I just put it on the History Channel, that usually does the job!

Groovy Mom said...

Oh yes insomnia and I are old friends. I'm on some new medication (actually old medication that I've used before when this happens.). I'm sleeping again.

I used to watch Ryan's Hope when I was in jr. high! Cool!

And that colon guy looks so sleezy, don't you think? I always wonder who would buy anything from him.

Nissa - said...

Hahaha. I'll take your word on Ryan's Hope. I can't watch soap operas- too addicting. And I really don't want an addiction to a terribly boring one!

I've seen that Dual Action Cleanse commercial, I've thought on more than one occasion "I really COULD use a cleaner colon..maybe I should order.."

Happy Valentine's Day- hope you get over your insomnia soon!

Don Mills Diva said...

How is it that I have never heard of Klee Irwin?! - this sounds ilke comedy gold!

FishHawk said...

Giving myself a whack with a ball-peen hammer sometimes helps with my chronic insomnia. Just be careful not to hit yourself too hard (or too soft, for that matter).

LunaNik said...

I used to have insomnia BADLY!! I knew every infomercial by heart...honest. I've even ordered a thing or two.

A Man Among Mommies said...

TV on late... Not often.. UP ALL THE TIME! 3yo doesn't sleep and new baby...

Doing a little blog hopping with baby..

Shannon said...

I've had my share of sleepless nights and am also familiar with the colon cleanse infomercial. Fortunately, Quantum Leap and Star Trek were on the SciFi channel.

Blog hopping ~ PhatBlogHopper

Allison said...

Hey, you know what? They actually show those informercials on the local tv news station (I mean REAL local, like based in our cable station local...well, the one about 30 miles down south from here, but the one for our county) in the middle of the day! So I'm familiar! :-)

Hookin' Angel

I prefer to go to bed...about now. Soon as I'm done with the Penny Savers!