What happens in Mexico - Part 1

by Magnolia

Sportsfan and I just returned from a fabulous long weekend in Cabo San Lucas. This was only our second visit to Mexico, but I think it’s safe for me to say that the Mexicans just do things differently than we do. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t like it…it’s just different. The element of danger and recklessness often appeals to me.

Two years ago when we were in Mexico, Sportsfan and I went to get massages. Sportsfan had never gotten one before so he was asking me all kinds of questions about it. “How long”, “what do I tip her”, “are you sure it’s going to be a she” and most importantly, “do I leave my underwear on?” I answered his questions and explained to him that I usually take my underwear off, but since he was a first-timer, he might be more comfortable with them on.

So we’re off to the spa a little early, expecting to fill out some paperwork. Not the case in Mexico. All they need to know is your room number. They are not concerned with any heart condition, skin allergy or asthma you might have. Nevertheless, the massage was fabulous and I couldn’t wait to hear about Sportsfan’s experience. When he emerged all sleepy eyed from the room, I could tell that he thoroughly enjoyed it. I asked what he decided to do about his underwear. It turns out that he did in fact leave his underwear on, but his masseuse was not going to have any of that. She yanked his boxers right off of him! Lord only knows what he thought was coming next!

Stay tuned for more Mexican adventures. Sportsfan and I went deep sea fishing on our last trip and let’s just say we are happy to have caught some beautiful fish, but we are very lucky to be alive and well in Tennessee.
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Leave it to Eddie

by Magnolia

Does anyone know if Eddie Haskell’s parents were on Leave it to Beaver? Were they aware that Eddie was a weasel? I’m wondering if they are just like Sportsfan and me because we appear to have the 7 year old female version of Eddie as our own daughter.


Now Little E is only 7 so she is not quite up to speed with Eddie’s conniving ways. But, she does share some of his characteristics. This is how Wikipedia describes the character of Eddie Haskell:

Typically, Eddie would greet his friends' parents with overdone, good manners and often a compliment such as, "That's a lovely dress you're wearing, Mrs. Cleaver." One check for Little E.

Wikipedia continues,
However, when no parents were around, Eddie was always up to no good—either conniving with his friends, or picking on Wally's younger brother Beaver. Not there yet.

Now I’m fairly certain that Little E is a complete angel most of the time and there’s not a mean bone in her body, but she does have a tendency to lay it on thick. She LOVES talking to parents which I must admit comes in handy at Girl Scout cookie time. She just goes through the school directory and calls all the moms she knows. Low maintenance cookie sales for me! In fact, when she calls a friend for a playdate, she asks to speak to the friend’s mother instead of her friend. Maybe she thinks her friends don’t have the skills necessary to talk plans.

Where Little E is going to get into trouble with her Eddie routine is with Junior. If her brother is in the slightest bit of trouble with us, she starts tuning up with what wonderful parents she thinks she has. The other day as Junior was getting a lecture of some sort, she actually interrupted me for a hug to say that she couldn’t believe I was her mother. She was just so lucky.

On our recent ski trip,Junior was a little bummed about having to go to ski school for another day. Little E almost sang about how wonderful ski school was and she wished she could do it forever. Ack! What are we going to do? I have to believe that she doesn’t realize what she’s doing. Junior sure does though.

So if we get into junior high and high school and this persona escalates, we are going to have a big problem. And if you or your children happen to be around, please let Mr. & Mrs. Haskell know what their daughter is up to.
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I'm Falling For You

I received a handheld video camera for Christmas. I’m excited to be able to record Homer’s baseball games and Scrappy’s soccer games and school pageants and the like. But what I’m really looking forward to is my chance to win the big prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos. You see, I have this perverse sense of humor and laugh hysterically when people have physical mishaps and truly cannot keep myself from laughing at incidents that result in someone falling down (after I’m sure they’re OK of course). So I love America's Funniest Home Videos. I’ve been in and witnessed so many funny mishaps lately that I’m sure I would have been awarded a prize if only I had been able to record the gaffe.


There was the time at Six Flags when Homer won a small basketball and we walked down the sidewalks throwing it up in the air - I threw it up really really high and moved back so Homer could catch it and instead it bounced very hard off my head, knocked me to the ground and kept bouncing along into a group of coeds. Or the time Homer got a hole in one playing putt putt and threw his arms above his head with his fingers in the “I’m #1 position” and walked backwards falling right into a water trap. Or when Scrappy was looking sideways and walked right into a pole. Or when Skip fell down walking on an icy sidewalk and skidded about 20 feet on his butt. And then there was this past Christmas when a relative tripped over a box taking a plate to the table for dinner and got stuck bottom-first in the box covered in rice. Alas, none of these is captured for posterity - or prize money.


So now I have the video camera and I can’t wait for some crazy physical comedy to come my way! Until then, enjoy:

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If I told you...

by Magnolia

Sportsfan likes to use the “If I told you…” argument when he’s trying to make a point. Like, “If I told you that a 7 year old girl could make your bowl picks and you would end up in first place with one game to go, would you believe me?”

Oh yes. Every year Little E makes my bowl picks for me. Sportsfan and Junior study, research, enter their picks, research some more, change their picks and finally settle on what they are sure is a winning combination. Little E and I sit down every year at the last possible moment and in under 10 minutes have our picks made. The process is very simple. I go down the list and call out the 2 teams playing, and Little E gives me her pick. We don’t talk point spreads and we don’t talk mascots.

So if you know of any 7 year olds, you probably know who they are going to pick—Navy, Rice, Air Force, Hawaii. There are reasons for some picks like Ohio State because she knows my roommate from college is a big fan. The Rice pick is self explanatory and as Sportsfan would say, “She would pick Hawaii over the Pittsburgh Steelers just because it’s Hawaii”. But mostly, the picks are just how she’s feeling at the moment.

Now they’ve never said it before, but I am certain that Sportsfan and Junior have thought that we don’t know what we’re talking about. Until now. We are now in FIRST PLACE in Bowlaroo which boasts over 60 (mostly male) members. With one game to go, we are now guaranteed 2nd place and if Oklahoma wins on Thursday, we win the whole thing. And it’s a lot of money. There is definitely a trip to the spa in our future.

For those of you interested in hiring her for her services in the future, she is under contract with me until she is no longer living under this roof. Go find your own 7 year old prodigy.

March Madness, here we come.
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Burn Those Muscles Jane

I am so sore that I can barely move my arms to type these words and I have put off going to the restroom for fear of having to maintain a squat position. Our neighborhood club recently underwent a renovation of the fitness room and the pool area. It added a group exercise room, which was ready for use in November. In October, the athletic director sent out an email asking members if they wanted to sign up for group exercise classes at a promotional rate of $50 for unlimited classes for November and December. I decided to go for it.

Then the class listing was published and there were only two classes a week on the November schedule that would allow me to do everything else I have to do, such as work, make dinner, supervise homework, and get kids to school. One was spinning and one was yoga – I don’t do either due to my fear of bicycles and bare feet respectively. (I once took a pregnancy yoga class and had to leave in the middle of class when the instructor came over to check on me during the relaxing breathing exercise and I looked down at her feet and was inches away from spread out toes on a foot that looked like a crow’s claw).

I emailed the director and told her this just really wasn’t going to work with my schedule and asked for a refund. The response – No, but she would throw in January for “free” and promised there would be more offerings at various times. This led to me feeling guilty for all of November and December during which I did not attend a single class.

So here we are in January. I ate myself silly over the holidays and figured I should now try out the classes. Skip’s been taking himself to the workout room, and I certainly don’t want to be outdone by my husband, who hasn't had to pay anything extra to use the treadmilss and weights. So this morning I got up 15 minutes earlier than usual, woke up Homer, made him breakfast and a lunch and hauled myself to the CIT class. I have no idea what the acronym stands for, but it was a little something of everything – step aerobics at the beginning, I hadn’t done that since college, then lunges with weights, kickboxing, arm exercises, leg exercises and some great ab work.

It was exhilarating and I am really feeling it – and if for one reason or another I don’t make it back to another class, I will remember this morning as the best $50 workout money can buy! Click Here to Keep Reading...

What's in a name?

by Magnolia

I am starting to think that Sportsfan is trying to be the star of CFT. He just keeps handing me material that is too hard to ignore. By the way, everyone should know that he does not approve of his name. You see, he doesn’t follow…soccer. Oh, okay. Well in that case we’ll call him Sportsfan, except not soccer.

So Sportsfan calls me a few weeks ago just delighted with himself. He has purchased the rights to the website www.fire genechizic.com. He’s even got someone who will design the website for him. For those of you who don’t know, Gene Chizik is the new football coach at Auburn University. The whole website campaign started back when Ron Zook was hired and subsequently fired from Florida. The guy that owned www.fireronzook.com made a killing in the process. So the same will be true for us, right?

I am starting to believe Sportsfan. Wow, this could be really cool. SEC football coaches come and go all the time in large part due to the fickle fans and the competitive schedules. Gene Chizik could be out of here in no time flat and Sportsfan and I could provide the catalyst for all those rabid fans!

I tell this story to a friend at the famous Christmas Party that Sportsfan missed a couple of weeks ago. I brag about how brilliant the whole plan was and I might have even given myself a little credit for the idea. My friend laughed and said, “How funny would that be if Sportsfan spelled his name wrong!”

Then it hit me. Sportsfan cannot spell. At all. Of course that was why it was still available. I came home that night and my first words were, “You spelled it wrong, didn’t you?” And I think we all know what the answer was.

Website for sale!
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Alone Shark

by Magnolia

Sportsfan is sick! He NEVER gets sick especially on the night of his favorite party in town. I knew he couldn’t go, but I certainly wasn’t going to miss the party. And on top of that, Chick was in town. There’s no better substitute for a date.

So Chick picks me up and I won’t let her in since my house is in quarantine. I get in the car as I’m cramming a list into my teeny tiny little purse. Chick asks what it is and I tell her that I’m Sportsfan’s collection agent tonight and this is the list of people that owe him money for his football pool.

Sportsfan has an annual college football pool that he coordinates called Bowlaroo. Bowlaroo has become quite famous around these parts and does require a good bit of work to put together. Countless emails, bookkeeping, money collecting, etc keep Sportsfan very busy this time of year. He likes to act like it’s a big hassle, but secretly he loves it.

“You’ve got to be kidding me”, Chick says. “Sportsfan is inside sick as a dog and somehow he musters the energy to write a list down for you?” I explain to her the significance because the deadline is the next morning. Capitol One Bowl Week starts at 10:00 a.m. so I have a important job tonight! Sportsfan kicks people out if they don’t pay on time!


Chick and I arrive at the party. We play date to each other as she goes to the bar and I go put our coats away. Then it’s down to business. I’ve got my list and I’m checking it twice. I find myself harassing one of the hosts of this wonderful party for only paying me for one entry when my list says there are two. Oh well, I’ll let it slide. Sportsfan knows where to find him.


At the end of the night, I have completed my task and feel like I’ve accomplished something. However, I won’t bring such a teeny tiny little purse next time. My lip gloss got lost in all that cash!
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